Avery James
Ive been trying to find an outlet to let all my feelings out and I dont think theres anything that is going to take away the pain I feel in my heart. Heres the birth story of Avery James. Its been a little over three weeks so I am sure I am missing parts but this is everything that I can remember.
What I thought was going to be just a check up on my baby turned into I need to go see a high risk doctor for hypertension. My blood pressure shot up, baby was moving fine, but something didnt feel right. Leaving that appointment my heart hurt, I called my mom and she didnt answer then I called my dad. I told him I didnt have a good appointment and he just told me over and over again everything was gonna be okay. That evening we kept checking my blood pressure and we thought the blood pressure cuff was just reading wrong because I felt totally fine. The next morning I had a newborn session I was looking forward to but first I told my mom I would stop by somewhere to check my pressure. I checked it and called my doctor and left a message, again it was high but I had no symptoms of feeling bad. I went on to work and took the most precious photos of a baby girl, and recieved a voicemail from my doctors nurse telling me I needed to go to er right away. I finished up my session and headed that way.
The parking lot was fairly empty so I was hoping it wouldnt take too long, dad met me there. I get checked in and changed into a gown and laid down on a cold hard bed. A nurse came in and got the fetal doppler out to listen to babys heartbeat. The cold gel was put on my belly and the nurse began listening for it. She went all over the belly trying to find it thats when I began to worry, she called another nurse in to try to find it and I immediately texted avery to come to the hospital right away. They didnt say they couldnt find it but they said they are going to call the doctor to come in with the larget ultrasound machine. Dad left to his appointment and Avery arrived at the same time the doctor arrived with the bigger machine. There was just a silence in the room, one nurse was at the end of the bed hanging onto my foot and I just knew something was wrong. He looked at the other nurse and nodded his head. His voice finally spoke and said there’s no heart beat. The other nurse got some final measurements and printed his last photo and handed it over to us. I just sat in disbelief. I was honestly in denial at first, theres no way we just heard his heart beat the day before and everything seemed fine except for needing to go see a high risk doctor over my blood pressure.
The doctor gave us some time alone, avery began to cry and I just sat there with no emotion saying everything is going to be okay. I realized I am literally going to have to birth this child and soon. I thought I still had 8-10 more weeks left of pregnancy. My blood pressure just kept rising and the doctor came in and told me we needed to go ahead and start the induction process soon. We called our moms to let them know and they both came up there.
They hooked my iv up and started me on a magnesium drip and gave me medicine to lower my blood pressure. Still again I was feeling fine except my heart beginning to break inside. Shortly after that I was rolled to room 26, with magnesium you aren’t able to get up and walk around. It makes you feel like you have the flu but it helped keep my blood pressure down. Once I got to the room I was transferred to another bed then everything just started happening so fast, I got a catheter put in, had these things put on my legs to prevent blood clots since I wasnt able to get up, and honestly from there the next few days were a blur. I was not ready to give birth and neither was my body. The baby also just recently passed so I dont even know if my body knew what to do yet.
The nurses had to check me first and of course I havent dilated any, so they start me on my first dose of Cytotec. It was used to soften my cervix and to start labor, I was checked every four hours after it was administered. Being checked that many times was not fun at all, and feeling defeated when I was not dilating was the worst. There was just a million different scenarios going through my head. Why wasnt this working? Am I going to have to do a c section? Am I in labor?
Finally after upping the dose after a day or so I began dilating and was at a 1. I cant remember if they gave me another dose or not after I was at a 1 all I know was that it didnt hurt as bad when they first gave it to me. Luckily I was never really hungry during all of this just hot and cold and thirsty. I had all my nurses taking great care of me plus my other “nurses” Avery, mom, mother in love, and my beautiful sister that drove 8 hours in the middle of the night to be by my side.
The contractions finally started and man those hurt. For some reason in my head I didnt want the epidural right away so I opted for some pain medicine. The pain medicine didnt work at all and I was now at a 2. I called the nurse so quick and told them I was ready for the epidural. Why go through the pain of labor for a stillbirth?
Im not sure if I blacked out from some of the pain or what but I couldnt remember a whole lot from the middle of the night. I do remember getting the epidural then laying down. I woke up to a nurse asking me if I wanted her to check me. I said sure but I havent felt any pain (I think the epidural was working haha). She said I was at a 9 and I was so shocked but ready for this to be over with. She told me she would come back in an hour but to let me know when I felt alot of pressure.
Shortly after she left I began to feel the pressure and called her back in, I was at a ten and she could feel his head. She called the doctor and started prepping for birth. I told avery to go grab my camera out of the car, I wanted to document his body coming into this world. Also something to keep my mind off of what was happening.
The birth was short maybe 2-3 pushes and he was here. Avery cut the cord and the nurse took him to do an examination. No skin to skin, no cries, no happiness. Just pure shock on what just happened. The nurse wrapped him up in the hospital blanket and put him in my arms. I felt no connection with him and just wanted to put him in the bassinet. It was such a weird feeling, I just knew he was already in heaven, and this was just the body I grew in my belly. Im grateful for the time I had with him but I think I was just ready to get out of the hospital and to move forward.
Close family came in to see him and gave me hugs, then the funeral home came to get him. This is where I began my postpartum journey. After birth I had to do another bag of magnesium and two bags of Pitocin so it would help with bleeding. Once they took my epidural out I was able to shower and change my clothes after an hour. Mom and my sister helped me into the shower, washed me all over and my tears just ran down my face. This is not how births are supposed to be.
I walked back into the room and felt so empty even though I had my whole family in the room, I had no baby to hold.
Everyone slowly began to leave and Avery and I just rested until we were released home. We left the hospital empty handed, no baby, no car seat, and a big whole in our hearts. Today we were suppose to be getting ready for his baby shower but he’s giving us the most beautiful snow storm from heaven instead.
Avery James only knew love in my belly and all he knows is love in heaven.
My placenta just quit growing and had a hemorrhage in it. No cause, no answers, but will just monitor more next time and I will be high risk to begin with.
